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| hmm today is not a good day, no not at all...yesterday was not a good day either but hopefully tomorrow will be
i'm finally done with ap tests but i'm not even happy about it, actually i dont even care....i feel like i should feel really liberated right now but i dont, i didnt really care about doing well in the first place and i wasnt stressed out about them so i dont get that feeling
sucks
seeing as i have a so-called "mental illness" which means i am therefore defective in a way, compared to other people, i sometimes wonder to myself what it is like to be one of the normal people, i mean i wish i could be a normal person for just one day and see what that is like. i'm scared if i ever become a normal person i will be disappointed...i mean really, what is it like? becoming a normal person is what i am working towards and maybe it will happen one day but i have a feeling this is gonna take like 50 million years, i have doubts it will ever happen and i think i am just going to be like this for the rest of my life....i'm really at the end of my rope here. i think tomorrow will be tolerable but even tolerable is an improvement from the shitiness of today, at the same time tolerable is boing
yeah i think it will be better, but even on my best days i still have the nagging sense that i really am going nowhere, it sucks, and even if i feel i am going somewhere, there is this sense of horrible uncertainty that goes with it and it's just uncomfortable but i guess that is what i need to do in the first place, i feel like i need to go through a long stretch of hell before i can be better but i dont know if i will be able to take it???
it's difficult for me to even take a shower, i know that is completely disgusting because sometimes i don't just because i am too lazy but i had to force myself to do it this morning because my hair was so greasy i was embarrassed to go to school | | |
| my therapist told me i was attractive and shes a woman so it wasnt creepy or anything. i mean i gotta be honest here and even if it was a "professional observation" it's hard to take a compliment from someone you pay so much. i wasnt fishing for compliments or anything, actually a few weeks ago i said i think i must be ugly because i feel like people treat me so poorly and only ugly people are treated poorly....i don't usually look ugly in the mirror when i look at myself, idk it depends on the mirror.
in actuality, i think everyone without some sort of mental illness sees themselves as attractive, for the most part.....ughh i dont know, i dont like to think about this. what i look like is like one of my biggest insecurities because i feel like so many people dont like me and that only happens to ugly people. i dont see ugliness when i look in the mirror but i practically have like scientific reasoning to prove i am unattractive
i dont know if im just crazy or something because i sound like a lunatic saying i am ugly as proven by "scientific reasoning"...who the hell would think that about themselves? their ugliness is proven by science?
im just gonna try and accept the compliment but i hate my hair and i feel like i wont feel good about my appearance unless i change it but other people tell me it looks good, i dont know if it would be some type of horrible mistake, decisions about hair are always so difficult
i want to buy a mask and wear it to go out so no one can judge me by what i look like anymore | | |
| i feel like my brain shrinks a little bit more everyday. i swear i feel like i am in the crappiest situation ever. i mean it is the most horrible thing when you feel like you have done everything you could think of to improve your life but everythign eventually turns to shit anyway, so you go to a "therapist" thinking it is the last hope you have in life and she is a stupid bitch....i mean i seriously i thought this was my last hope in life but this therapy shit is useless...i told her i dont feel like she can help me but she was like "well im sorry i dont have a magic wand to take away all your problems, you have unrealistic expectations" i told her like 3 times i didnt expect "instant improvement" but she still uses that dumb excuse everytime i tell her she isnt helpful, i swear she says the same dumb shit every week and i tell her the same things every week even though i've been there 5 times and tell her the same things over and over she can never remember any of it. i mean she told me to go to church like 3 times and i told her like a million times im not religious, why is that so fucking hard to remember.....and she discussed my problems in front of complete strangers which is completely inappropriate and i feel like i should sue her for a breach of confidentiality but my mom was like "no you're making too much of a big deal out of it" ugh wtf this bitch always finds a way to embarrass me
i swear i think she is completely incompetent, i told her like twice and next time i see her i think im gonna discuss it again because i feel like i'm at the end of my rope and all she does is insult me and piss me off, i told her she insults me with some of the things she says but she was like "no you're too sensitive, you take offensive to things that were not intended to be insulting"...uh no she is just too incompetent too realize she sounds like an insensitive bitch when she talks
and she is a hypocrite, i told her i dont want drugs and she said she would never mention it again but she wont, i feel like she is plotting against me, she was all "i know you dont want drugs but im going to keep bringing it up" and its like uhmm okay, i thought i was paying YOU, so maybe you could actually do me a small favor for $150 and stop bringing up the crap about "antidepressants"
the only thing i've gotten from "therapy" and the low hourly rate of only $150 is a lot of frustration, i am starting to think all psychologists are stupid, i used to think psychology was an interesting "science" but now i think it's nothing but a complete load of crap
i dont know why i cant stop going to therapy even though it's not helpful, i feel like this woman is exploiting my "indecisiveness" caused by my "depression" because honestly going to her is such a waste of time but if i stopped going to her i would piss of my parents because they think i'm just being difficult but i wish they could see what a dumb bitch this woman is
aghhhhhhh !
when is this shit going to end
i live for food, i know that sounds really pathetic and obviously im getting fatter by the minute but i dont even care anymore. i mean i feel like the only time im happy is when im eating but i guess its better than a drug addiction
i feel like i know what i need to do but it feels like im paralyzed and cant do it. i cant believe i wound up like this, it is absolutely horribleeeeeeee!
i need to get out of my house because whenever im home alone in my room for too long i start to feel miserable. not that i feel too great at school but its tolerable at least. i wish i could drive because if i could i would go anywhere outside just to clear my head but im too stupid to get my license cause my brain shrinks everyday | | |
| a storm has erupted in my brain! wowwww
im not crazy, im just trying to sound cool and mysterious
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| i feel awful once again, everything is awful, aghh it just keeps getting worse and worse....honestly, being diagnosed with a "mental illness", in my case "depression" is a double-edged sword. in all honesty, even before i knew i was depressed (and honestly i didnt think i was until a doctor told me so) i had hardly any motivation to do school work, and i felt sooo guilty for my shitty grades. NOW...that i know WHY i had so little motivation in the first place, i don't feel guilty anymore, but i really don't push myself to get things done, i tell myself "i am mentally ill so i have an excuse to be a lazy fat ass", i used to be down on myself for being fat and eating like a slob, now i just have an excuse for myself and i feel even more helpless than before
obviously it isn't good
i think i need to start exercising because apparently that helps with depression but i hate doing it, i just need to do it anyway
but cutting junk food out of my diet is not something i am willing to do. having to exercise, to me, is bad enough
everything feels like a struggle, i am miserable
i actually was happy all day yesterday, which was nice, but i knew i was going to come down again because i'm never happy for more than a week at a time
waiting for the results of that thyroid test....i hope i have an underactive thyroid just to have an excuse for being fatter than all the other girls at my school.
being depressed feels like you're being tortured almost every single day of your life. and to overcome it is even more intense torture and if you're lucky you come out on top in the end and things get better, but just the crap you have to endure to get better just sucks so much | | |
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